I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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