i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
