i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is Oprah even human
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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