dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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