Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Someone shattered a urinal.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
