I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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