i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
