It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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