I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
