If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
