her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I didn't notice because vodka
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
