Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
