remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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