Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
