I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
