i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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