i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
