note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
