I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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