You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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