note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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