You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
