Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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