Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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