PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
