Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
