Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
