textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
