Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
