Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
