im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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