The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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