did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
