Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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