If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
