It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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