She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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