My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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