the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
