college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize