I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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