i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
