Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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