I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
