I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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