Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize