There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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