I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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