today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
