Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
